Why Does One Need A Grief Guide?

Grief is part of life. As my teacher David Kessler has said, "Grief is a natural, necessary, and meaningful response to loss." It is not weakness or a failing. There is no timeline for grief and no "right way" to heal. How your grief feels to you and impacts you is as unique as your fingerprint. 

But there is a lot of confusion around grief and what to do with it, because it's not something most of us are taught how to handle, process or approach. And so when it hits--and it will hit--we can feel lost and adrift, overwhelmed and alone. We may want to ignore it or run from it. It can feel like a great unraveling or a descent into the Underworld. And in many ways, it is. But that is not where we are meant to set up house and live for the rest of our days. For grief to yield its treasures, we must mine the gold in the depths...and come back up and into the light. This process may be repeated numerous times. It's helpful when someone who has walked the path before us can turn and extend a guiding hand, which is what I am offering to you.

Our society seems to encourage and reward shoving grief down and aside, telling us to "power through," "be strong" or even to "get over it." Messaging received our entire lives may lead us to genuinely believe that moving past grief as quickly as possible is the right thing to do. But when grief is unacknowledged or unexpressed, it doesn’t simply disappear—it becomes a weight on the psyche, leading to depression, anxiety, addiction, or aggression. My teacher Francis Weller writes that many of the afflictions in our culture stem from our failure to properly grieve, and I wholeheartedly agree. He calls this “the orphaning of the soul.” 

It's understandable that we shy away from grief; it's human instinct to avoid pain and discomfort. There is even a sense of shame many feel at experiencing grief that might cause one to want to hide it...or hide from it. This is a profound missed opportunity for growth, however. Grief is an invitation to surrender, to open and allow, to become more fully who we are. It has the potential to deepen, mature, soften and transform us. Otherwise, it is just suffering. 

Not all grief is devastating, but all grief can be a change agent in our lives. It's how we acknowledge, process and work with our grief that matters. 

One can certainly heal through grief without a Guide. But sometimes grief is so overpowering, so intense or is the last straw in a series of events that one would benefit from another to guide the way. Grief is not a straight path and it is not uncommon to feel like one is sliding backwards or has completely lost one's way. To try to be both traveler and guide on such a journey is putting an enormous expectation on oneself, no matter how evolved or aware one is. We all need another to reflect back to us, to shine the light when all appears dark and to encourage us on our way. 

But we also need to choose carefully who we ask to do this for us. I hear often from grieving individuals how disappointed they are in their friends and family members for not sticking with them through their grieving process or that the important people in their life don't want to hear about it anymore. The truth is, very few people have the temperament, training, maturity or patience to walk with you on your grief journey. It is an unrealistic expectation to ask them to do so and you are setting yourself up for disappointment and further distress to ask that of those not trained. It is not a weakness to seek help; it actually is the smartest, most evolved thing you can do for yourself and even for those who love you. A healed you has healthier, happier, more meaningful relationships.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning to carry our grief with compassion and finding meaning in the midst of pain. Transforming grief into meaning and purpose is now considered the Sixth Stage of the grieving process, which was originally set forth as Five Stages by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. "Meaning doesn’t make the pain go away, but it gives us something to hold on to," says David Kessler, who worked with Kübler-Ross and who developed the idea of the Sixth Stage. Guiding others and leading Rituals are ways I find purpose in and create meaning from the many losses of dreams both big and small I have experienced in my lifetime. 

Finding meaning amidst the heartbreak is possible for you as well. It would be my honor to guide you on your way.